Disappear by Noelani
Summary: Shane struggles with her demons in the aftermath of a going away party.
Categories: The L Word, Shenny, Just Shane Characters: Alice Pieszecki, Bette Porter, Helena Peabody, Kit Porter, Niki Stevens, Shane McCutcheon, Tasha Williams, Tina Kennard
Genres: drama, friendship, one-shot, romance, tragedy, what if...
Spoilers up through: TLW Season 6
Warnings: angst, character death, drug use/abuse, strong language
Challenges:
Series: None
Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes Word count: 1119 Read: 2210 Published: July 20, 2010 Updated: July 20, 2010
Story Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

There is a major spoiler listed in the story below. If you have not seen the entire L word television series but plan to, I caution you in proceeding.

1. Disappear by Noelani

Disappear by Noelani
Author's Notes:
There's a song this story is inspired by. It's called, Disappear by My Brightest Diamond. Have a listen to it after you read (or before if you like). It's simply beautiful.
Shane sat shivering, towel draped around her shoulders and hair dripping with pool water onto Bette’s imported Persian rug. On any other day this might have prompted a polite but firm ushering out the front door but as the screeching sirens faded away, the last thing on anyone’s mind was ruined décor.

She lifted her head, the silence tearing at her nerves. Bette and Tina sat across from her, embracing in such an intimate way that it almost caused Shane to turn away but she couldn’t. To believe how the night had ended she had to see for herself, she had to know. Both women locked eyes with her, shadows of disbelief marring their pretty faces. This time, she did look away.

Her gaze traveled to Kit, dressed in a one shouldered cocktail dress that hugged her ample curves. She stood under the archway, her back against the wall and hand resting against her forehead as if suffering from the world’s worst headache. She remained that way for so long Shane moved on. This time to refined Helena, sat on the other side of Tina, her delicate hands massaging her neck as her eyes wandered about the room. And then there was Tasha sitting nearby, Alice leaning against her with somber eyes that reflected back to Shane everything she herself was feeling on the inside. How did things get so fucked up?

Shane had reached her limits, found all she wanted to know and some of what she didn’t. She thought to leave, wet and all—take off running into the night, back to her old haunts, some club with music that coursed through her veins like the candy she use to inject into her arms when things got really bad. She found herself back in time riding a white horse who was really a unicorn, his wings spread wide as they galloped across a barren field and then up to the sky; cracking it open with furious bolts of lightening. The feeling swept over her, a high she could still taste; it burned through her nostrils then dripped onto the back of her tongue before melting away. She recalled those days vividly, as if they were yesterday. And as she sat watching her friends trembling in silence across from her, she fought the urge to go to that colorful world of dirty bliss again; to rid herself of the pain, at least for a little while.

But she wasn’t that person anymore. She was someone new, someone better. Since Molly, she was someone she actually liked.

No, Molly was gone, thanks to Jenny. Shit--how can I be mad at Jenny now? She crinkled her brow, the thought hurting her head and caught Alice's attention who gave her a worried look in return.

“You alright, Shane?” she asked.

Those were the first words any of them had spoken to each other in over an hour; while Sgt. Duffy fired off questions and paramedics rushed about them, there never seemed to be the right moment or maybe none of them knew what to say.

“Um—yeah. It’s just—” Shane replied, taking a deep breath as she leaned back against the chair. Of course it was a lie, she wasn’t fucking okay. Her best friend, and most recently—lover, just took a nose dive off a two story balcony into a swimming pool. Maybe on accident, possibly on purpose, either way it was fucked up and she was fucked up and it was inevitable that somebody would get hurt. Just as she ended that thought, Niki Stevens emerged from the bathroom, her cobalt eyes clouded and watery as she palmed her flushed cheeks. Everyone turned but she looked directly at Shane.

“Is there anything I can do?” Niki asked but Shane knew better, so she didn’t reply. She was done with Niki and although tonight wasn’t her fault, it seemed that wherever the pretty actress went, trouble followed.

Niki stood a short ways from Kit, her discomfort obvious to anyone who was paying attention. She finally spoke up again. “I—I’m going to go…” she said.

The silence continued until Kit walked over to her, wrapping her arms around the actress they all loved to hate. Niki sobbed and fell limp, like a fragile doll in Kit’s embrace.

“It’s okay,” Kit whispered, over and over, as if to convince herself more than anyone else.

The scene must have kick started Bette because she was on her feet in a heartbeat, moving toward the kitchen with amazing speed. “Well,” she said. “I better start putting that food away before it goes bad.” She paused and turned back toward them as if having second thoughts.

“Unless anyone’s hungry?”

No one answered, least of all Shane. The thought of food churned her belly. Her appetite had died hours ago, from the moment she pulled down the ladder in Jenny’s closet and discovered the note from Molly. She couldn’t believe what a fool she had been but beyond that, she couldn’t believe how angry she had been afterward; she had wanted to kill Jenny. Now, the thought of it made her double over in agony.

She heard Alice call out to her, “Shane!” Soon, others chimed in, their voices fading by the second. Her eyes grew heavy; a warm understanding comforted her. She felt herself disappearing and she wouldn’t fight it. For a little while, she would close her eyes and rest—deal with whatever she had to another day and hold onto the new her a little bit longer. A flurry of warm hands brushed across her face and neck, as urgent voices, soft and familiar drifted above her.

“Shane…sweetheart…wake up…”

she tried to hold on to the feeling although she was almost there.

“Did she take anything?” someone—who sounded a lot like Helena—asked.

Shane kept moving, through flashes of time, years of excess living and love lost…of Molly’s smile in the half light…her brother Shay gliding down the half pipe…she and Alice on the kitchen counter laughing and smoking pot…and the sadness in Jenny’s eyes when she said her heart had been broken.

Oh Jenny.

Laying face down in the pool, a macabre beauty dressed in gold that glittered under the moonlight. Shane wanted to stroke her dark hair, fanned out across the water like a ghostly mermaid.

But not now.

With Jenny’s sapphire eyes etched into her mind, Shane finally let go and disappeared into happier memories, of the person she was for a moment and hopefully would be again.

Some day.
End Notes:
Thank you for reading.
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